So I was avoiding responsibility and all that, when I found two things I had forgotten I had written like a month ago. And, instead of pretending I was actually working on birthday fics and playing around with fics set in other people's AUs, I decided to post them.
Shinhwa; Hyesung is violent, Junjin wants to know his place, Eric is just unhelpful, Minwoo is a menacing midget, Dongwan is a bad hyung, and Andy is actually probably the most sane and mature one. Per usual.
“Eric,” Hyesung whines, as Eric basically grapples Hyesung onto the couch and Hyesung rudely kicks him off and onto the floor, “Eric, the kids are bothering me.”
“Really?” Eric replies, sounding genuinely surprised and intrigued, then gives Andy, who’s on his way out with car keys in hand, a dirty look. Andy sticks his tongue out immaturely and Eric smugly says a particularly nasty cuss word in return. Andy raises a fist menacingly before shutting the door behind him.
“When did he become unafraid of me?” Eric ponders into the carpet.
“When did you become menacing to begin with?” Hyesung counters evenly.
“Hey wait, Minwoo and Dongwan are both older than you, how are we collectively the kids?” Junjin asks, looking up from his television program as Eric attempts to drape himself over Hyesung again (Hyesung kicks him in the chest this time, effectively knocking the breath out of him).
Hyesung makes a noncommittal noise and stares up at the ceiling listlessly.
“No seriously,” Junjin says, “And anyway, why am I a part of ‘the kids’? I’m the mature one.” What? He is. No really. Seriously. “I am so offended by your grouping me with them.” He points, for added dramatic effect, at Dongwan, who walks past the living room at this moment while munching on an apple (that Junjin’s pretty sure he bought with his own money, so where the heck did Dongwan get off thinking he could just eat Junjin’s food like that?).
Hyesung makes that noise again, Eric is gaining a second wind and obviously contemplating a sneak attack if the look on his face is anything to go by (it is; it always is), and Dongwan smacks away at his snack, before pausing and saying, “Wait, what is that supposed to mean? What’s so bad about us?”
“For starters,” Junjin replies, “You.”
Dongwan gapes and glares, in the span of about two seconds, before whirling around with hands - apple and all - thrown up above his head in exasperation. “I’ll be right back, with Minwoo here to kick your ass.”
“I’m not afraid of him,” Junjin calls after Dongwan, “He’s half my size and a midget - just like you!” Dongwan doesn’t even falter, “He’s also twice as muscular as you and will be twice as mad when I tell him that you called him a midget.” And then he’s gone, leaving Junjin to sulk.
Hyesung shrieks when Eric climbs over the back of the couch (oh, Junjin thinks sarcastically, that’s really creative and sneaky, hyung) and kicks him in the face.
Suju; so the story is that I kind of fell in love with this prompt I saw while browsing the suju kink meme. But I didn’t want to write sex, I just wanted to write qmi being dysfunctional and not having sex. Which is exactly what I did, but I’m just saying. And, so, I need to stop writing at like two in the morning because it doesn’t make any sense: Zhou Mi doesn’t want to have sex, oh he’s going to let Kyuhyun do what he wants while he sleeps through it all, oh no wait no he doesn’t want to even have that happen anymore, okay can they compromise? No?, well fine if he insists then Zhou Mi will let Kyuhyun do him, hm since Kyuhyun is sufficiently over it Zhou Mi thinks he actually genuinely wants to have sex now. WTF SELF
So Zhou Mi realizes that he should have become aware much earlier on than now that this thing, communicating that is (or rather the lack of ability to do so), would be a problem. It’s only something that’s in all of their faces every waking moment and then some, with all the variety shows and performances and promoting and translating they have to do. But communication and Kyuhyun’s faulty - at best - Mandarin and Zhou Mi’s faulty - stretching the definition of ‘faulty’, at best - Korean is not something either one of them ever consider when they have far more important things to focus on. Like Zhou Mi shoving his tongue down Kyuhyun’s throat while they make out against their hotel room door. And Kyuhyun groping Zhou Mi inconspicuously during broadcasting without getting caught by the fancams.
Seriously, Zhou Mi thinks crossly as Kyuhyun mistakes his, ‘I’m really very tired tonight, so I don’t actually feel like doing anything remotely related to sex for once, isn‘t that odd?’ for, apparently, ‘Take me where I stand, you can be my sugar daddy and I‘ll be your manwhore.’ (or something), how many words do you need to be able say and understand to have a healthy relationship with nice sex? (for starters, Zhou Mi figures, there’s ‘no’ , there’s ‘hell no’, and then there’s ‘FUCK NO THAT HURTS DAMMIT’. So. Three...ish. Those are more phrases than singular words, really, but that isn‘t the point.)
The main thing, is that they actually haven’t had sex yet, actual full fledged sex, because there’s not enough time in the day for that sort of thing, not even enough time for them to just stop and think sometimes, and also because Zhou Mi wants their first time to be perfect. Because, okay, he admits it, he’s a hopeless romantic, but what’s wrong with that? (“Everything.” Kyuhyun often tells him, especially when refused a quick round in the back of the Super Junior M van, even after the routine threats of ‘I‘ll go to Ryeowook hyung soon, if you’re not careful, he certainly doesn‘t have any ridiculous morals against casual sex, look at what he‘s doing with Henry. And Donghae. And Siwon. SOMETIMES AT THE SAME TIME.’)
So the end result is that they’ve only been getting by on things like jerking off and blow jobs and dry humping and there was even this one time with rimming that didn’t go particularly well because it was difficult to get Korean right when someone’s tongue was doing stuff, you know, down there, and also there had been fact that Heechul had lied to Zhou Mi and taught him how to say ‘I am easy and will spread my legs for anyone, you are going to pay me right?’ instead of ‘I am uncomfortable with you doing that, let’s stop and never try this again’ like he’d promised, and that had made for an awkward situation.
But back to the subject at hand, Zhou Mi thinks, this whole talking and understanding thing was becoming more and more important, unfortunately, and maybe Kyuhyun just wanted sex or maybe he really had misunderstood what Zhou Mi had said and you know, Zhou Mi - as he was full of compassion and, okay, it seriously was more that he was just too tired to deal with Kyuhyun’s stubbornness on this matter than anything else - could maybe deal with that, as long as he got to just lie there while Kyuhyun did his thing and maybe Kyuhyun wouldn’t mind it or take it the wrong way if he went to sleep during…?
“Are you humoring me?” Kyuhyun asks, annoyed, when he pushes Zhou Mi down onto the bed and curls his fingers tenderly around the back of Zhou Mi’s neck and Zhou Mi only sighs, petulant and melodramatic, in response to the sign of affection he‘d normally grin and wriggle happily at, “Because that needs to stop if this is going to happen.”
“Oh great, that’s really romantic, way to woo me.” Zhou Mi retorts moodily, except Kyuhyun only understands about a fourth of it because he says it in rude slang that Kyuhyun probably won‘t ever encounter in any of his Mandarin lessons. But Kyuhyun still gets the general message and his eyebrows furrow and he rolls off of Zhou Mi with crossed arms and a frown.
“We never - ” Kyuhyun starts, but then he says something - a lot of somethings, actually - that is fast and rushed and lasts for about a minute and a half of heartfelt ranting.
It all completely and totally escapes Zhou Mi’s limited Korean vocabulary, so he just quirks his eyebrows at Kyuhyun, waiting for the translation or maybe at least some charades and over animated hand flailing. It doesn’t come, and Zhou Mi doesn’t have the heart to tell Kyuhyun that, on top of being sexually deprived, his rant has been all in vain, so Zhou Mi nods innocently when Kyuhyun turns to look imploringly at him.
Kyuhyun stares, smiles, reaches for Zhou Mi, who promptly thinks, ‘Cool, I don’t even know what just went down, but I manage to resolve a fight in record time‘, before Kyuhyun just grabs him by the arms, maneuvers to pin him down on the bed, and starts to basically maul his throat with an overeager mouth.
“…Um.” Zhou Mi says after a moment when it doesn’t stop, “Did I miss something?”
Kyuhyun still doesn’t stop, so Zhou Mi has to lie there for a few moments and try to remember the Korean phrase for ‘this is called rape in like thirty countries or whatever, please stop and get off of me.’ It doesn’t come to him (though it probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway because, knowing Heechul, what he had learned probably really meant something nasty and perverted), so Zhou Mi weakly tries some random ‘mnida’s and ‘yo’s to jog his memory of something relatively helpful in Korean or maybe to get Kyuhyun’s attention long enough for him to pause and pull back.
Kyuhyun, however, is probably dismissing it by being conceited again and thinking that Zhou Mi is just already so overcome with pleasure that he’s speaking in tongues, and Kyuhyun continues to work his way down, making a path across the skin of Zhou Mi’s collar bone with his lips.
His hands reach for Zhou Mi’s pants zipper, and so Zhou Mi’s brain goes, ‘well, fuck that’ and triggers his reflexes, bringing his knee slamming full force into Kyuhyun’s crotch. Kyuhyun promptly wheezes and rolls off the bed and Zhou Mi lies there thoughtfully, staring up at the ceiling and counting to one hundred very slowly under his breath as he tries to figure out what‘s going on this time around.
Kyuhyun’s head appears over the side at seventy two (a faster recovery than usual, normally it‘s on eighty), eyes slightly watery from the pain. “What the fuck, I hate you.” Kyuhyun says and Zhou Mi both outwardly beams and inwardly ponders over the fact that he knows that phrase with such startling familiarity and what that means exactly.
“No.” Zhou Mi spells out for him slowly and clearly in both Korean and Mandarin, then Korean again to make sure he gets the point across.
The point, however, does not get across, as Kyuhyun doesn’t understand still, growls out, “What are you talking about, first of all?”
So Zhou Mi explains slowly, and mainly in Mandarin because he can be more thorough and self assured that way, that he’s tired and they haven’t ever actually had full out sex before because they’re always busy and Zhou Mi wants their first time to be special and romantic and sweet, not a hurried ‘oh let me hump your half asleep living corpse to get my jollies off’ thing and it‘s really important to him, so no, not now, not yet.
Kyuhyun blinks, frowns, and tilts his head slightly. “I don’t know what you just said,” Kyuhyun informs him blandly, “But I caught the ‘corpse’ and ‘get my jollies off’ part of it, and am not sure if I appreciate or like where you are going with that train of thought. Also, who says ‘get my jollies off’? Ever?”
Zhou Mi rolls his eyes and gets blunt, ignoring the insult, “I do not want to have sex until we have a day off, when you can pamper me and make me feel all lovey-dovey and fuzzy on the inside.” He pauses. “And I think I want a puppy afterwards, too. As a present, one that we can raise together. Just to be domestic.”
Kyuhyun’s demeanor darkens considerably at that. “But - and no we’re not getting a puppy, we’d never see it anyway and then Heechul hyung would kill it and feed it to Heebum, probably - I just asked, and you just said it was okay. Seriously, like, three seconds ago. You‘re such a freaking girl, it‘s gross, I hate you.”
Zhou Mi stares at Kyuhyun for a moment, confused (not by Kyuhyun‘s proclamation of hate, that‘s normal, but by Kyuhyun’s first sentence. And also, by why they can’t get a puppy. Why can‘t they get a puppy? Those are not good enough reasons!).
Then he realizes where it potentially went horribly wrong. “Oh. Wait, you mean you asked if we could do it when you were ranting?”
“So, just to be certain, that’s what you’re talking about?”
Kyuhyun nods again, albeit with more aggression than is probably necessary and Zhou Mi is just so sorry for existing then, but Kyuhyun can calm the fuck down and get over it.
“Oh, well, sorry, I didn’t actually understand any of that particular rant, I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but now you know. It wasn‘t an actual agreement to have sex, then, I hope you understand.”
“I’m going to kill you one day.” Kyuhyun says vehemently, “You can’t just do this to me.”
Zhou Mi thinks about it. “Yeah, actually, I pretty much can. But hey, how about I suck you off, like usual, except I do it really really good and get you off really really fast and then we can both get what we want. You’ll get someone touching your dick, I’ll get to go to sleep.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t answer, broods and doesn’t look at Zhou Mi straight on. This kind of mood, he knows, can last for days, and Zhou Mi thinks about having to deal with that tomorrow in the morning and how maybe it will affect his daily go-to-the-bathroom-in-the-middle-of-rehe
“Fine,” he huffs out, “If you’re going to be a big baby about it, get up here and let’s do this, but know that I will hold this over your head forever and may hysterically accuse you of rape in the morning.”
Kyuhyun makes to move back onto the bed, but winces and groans, head dropping down into the bed sheets. He grumbles something and Zhou Mi catches the ‘you broke it…probably can’t get it up any more.’ part of it and he can guess that Kyuhyun’s just being a whiny bitch about being caught unawares and getting beaten up by Zhou Mi, who has skinny girl arms that have now punched a sizable hole through Kyuhyun‘s ego. That thought gives Zhou Mi a burst of energy - there’s nothing quite as enjoyable as aggravating Kyuhyun into submission - and he grins, crawls across the bed, stalks his prey.
Kyuhyun peeks up at the shuffling noises and absence of talking, sees what Zhou Mi is doing, and groans again. Zhou Mi laughs and pounces.
(Zhou Mi still hysterically shrieks rape at Kyuhyun in the morning, to which Kyuhyun irritably replies that it was more the other way around, and everyone is sufficiently freaked out over breakfast and then no one wants to sit near the two of them in the van because everyone can clearly see that Kyuhyun is this close to punching Zhou Mi’s face in as Zhou Mi doesn’t stop cheerfully calling Kyuhyun a rapist, garnering odd looks from the chauffeur and the makeup artist riding in with them today for the variety show, which finally forces Han Geng to call Eeteuk for advice.
Zhou Mi does it all just for fun, actually, but he let‘s Kyuhyun go on thinking that he has a mental problem.)